Jake Gyllenhaal plays a laid-back bare-knuckle boxer in the chaotic “Road House” reboot.

Ah, the joy of witnessing yet another Hollywood attempt at a remake, this time with “Road House” as its sacrificial lamb. With all the subtlety of a sledgehammer and the finesse of a drunken bar brawl, this reboot promises to deliver the same underwhelming experience as its predecessor, but with a modern twist – because why fix what isn’t broken, right?

Jake Gyllenhaal stars as Elwood Dalton, the rugged hero with a tragic past that’s about as convincing as a toupee in a hurricane. Gone are the days of Patrick Swayze’s earnest portrayal, replaced instead by a caricature of a former UFC champion turned vigilante bouncer. But fear not, for Gyllenhaal’s portrayal is sure to leave you questioning whether you’re watching a gritty action flick or a slapstick comedy.

And let’s not forget the revamped setting of this tale. No longer confined to the dusty roadsides of yesteryear, our heroes now find themselves in a swanky beach bar straight out of a tourist brochure. Because nothing says “roadhouse” like sipping cocktails by the sea, right? But don’t worry, the glaring lack of realism is only surpassed by the film’s haphazard plot, which stumbles from one half-baked subplot to the next with all the grace of a newborn giraffe on ice skates.

But fear not, dear viewer, for amidst the chaos and confusion lies a silver lining – a handful of mildly entertaining moments and Gyllenhaal’s puppy-dog charm. So grab your popcorn and settle in for a rollercoaster ride of mediocrity, because “Road House” is back, and it’s just as lackluster as ever.